Life is full of shit...Am I suffering from some sort of low self-esteem disorder? FUCKING NO!
ARGHH, felt like an idiot coz I was laughing and smiling all the while today afternoon, when in truth I just wanna sit down and cry, like really really cry...which i am doing right now.
Why I say I dont have freaking self esteem problem? Because I was once a freaking brave person. Someone who never had stage freight, who could speak in front of a crowd of >1K at the age of 6/7? A girl who could stand up and fight or defend her loved ones/friends? Someone who always chose to speak up. Yeah, that's who I am. I might appear quiet,but that's because I only choose to use my breath where its worth. It's better to be a good listener then to be an empty vessel that makes a lot of noise.
I know I am capable,I am smart, I am brilliant, I can think, and yet I somehow appear stupid and xxxx to some?????
I was like a lunatic laughing around, all because I wanted to divert my thoughts and worries. Truth is I am disturbed! Like I have got no idea where am I headed to! Its not that I dont wanna be optimistic but I rather be realistic. I so wanna make it work for me here and yet there's so much of hindrance to it...
Doesnt mean if I appear normal, I am happy. It only means I am trying to remain strong, but only God knows how I feel deep down. I am worried, I dont wanna fall back, I am trying my best as well....If only people knew that. Honestly, all i felt like doing was sitting and crying, or getting high on some drugs so that I would not think of anything. As soon as I got home, all I did was sit on my bed and cry silently. I know crying makes one seem childish or whatever. But at times, its the only way one can vent out all that's inside. Only I know myself apart from God.
As tears continues rolling unto my cheeks, I remain helpless and lost...
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