Life is like a puzzle...It takes time to find the right pieces and attach them together. It's a long and tedious process but the joy of viewing the completed result makes it all worthy. Hence even if it takes years, never give up on finding the perfect piece that fits in to complete the puzzle of LIFE.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It has been an overwhelmingly stressful week... Firstly, i've got a few options and have got no idea which way to go..

Next, in the midst of planning a nice weekend, someone had to turn 360 degress and turn cold all of a sudden...So the person messages me on a thurs night, with an unclear pic of which I can't read the details, then when I replied an hour late, the person goes on FB posting nonsense. When I confront the person, she says god knows what and ruins my beautiful friday......And all i could say was "thank you so much".

And  I thought this person was one my best friends? I still think so but I guess not on her part :(. She gets  all messed up over a sms and compares it to an incident where they ditched me on a vacation plan? Like come on, that's like not even including me in a plan. That's not even ignorance but a complete way of shutting me off their plans.

Arghh, on top of all the problems I have, I dont need an additional one.

Will just try to have a great weekend-sat out for shopping/night out to a colleague's wedding dinner/sun off to office/mon-thurs in MO/friday back to office/and weekends again...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Of the cake and kids

story which is best left untold :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

As the tears rolls down unto my cheeks....:'(

Life is full of shit...Am I suffering from some sort of low self-esteem disorder?  FUCKING NO!

ARGHH, felt like an idiot coz I was laughing and smiling all the while today afternoon, when in truth I just wanna sit down and cry, like really really cry...which i am doing right now.

Why I say I dont have freaking self esteem problem? Because I was once a freaking brave person. Someone who never had stage freight, who could speak in front of a crowd of >1K at the age of 6/7? A girl who could stand up and fight or defend her loved ones/friends? Someone who always chose to speak up. Yeah, that's who I am. I might appear quiet,but that's because I only choose to use my breath where its worth. It's better to be a good listener then to be an empty vessel that makes a lot of noise.
I know I am capable,I am smart, I am brilliant, I can think, and yet I somehow appear stupid and xxxx to some?????

I was like a lunatic laughing around, all because I wanted to divert my thoughts and worries. Truth is I am disturbed! Like I have got no idea where am I headed to! Its not that I dont wanna be optimistic but I rather be realistic. I so  wanna make it work for me here and yet there's  so much of hindrance to it...

Doesnt mean if I appear normal, I am happy. It only means I am trying to remain strong, but only God knows how I feel deep down. I am worried, I dont wanna fall back, I am trying my best as well....If only people knew that. Honestly, all i felt like doing was sitting and crying, or getting high on some drugs so that I would not think of anything. As soon as I got home, all I did was sit on my bed and cry silently. I know crying makes one seem childish or whatever. But at times, its the only way one can vent out all that's inside. Only I know myself apart from God.

As tears continues rolling unto my cheeks, I remain helpless and lost...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Making the best out of what I have :)

Decided against the cs thingy at last ...

extremely bad headache today :( Ponstans have become my good friend for years. Time to find for other alternatives.

Sleeping at home, with my little cat by my side :) Planning to do some stuffs today-write some pending stuffs, find for leads, and plan my following week.Guess, have to just try my level best in what I am doing now.

Read this story --> http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/10/13/nation/7213044&sec=nation

Bright future, then Azaryna’s world crumbled


KUALA LUMPUR: She is a JPA scholar who graduated with first-class honours and recently completed her Masters degree in microelectronics and microsystems. But now, doctors are telling her that she only has six months to live.
Azaryna Noh, 26, is suffering from Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (ILP) and urgently needs a lung transplant.
She was diagnosed with the chronic disease after she complained of a bad cough and had difficulty breathing early this year.
Now, she is fully dependent on an oxygen tank to keep her alive.
“I was offered a job as a vision integration engineer but was diagnosed with the disease at the same time,” she said.
Still, she still went to work although she lasted just a week as she became too weak. She is now wheelchair-bound and her only hope is for someone to step forward as an organ donor to save her life.
Azaryna is one of the nine critically-ill patients at the National Heart Institute (IJN) who urgently need lung or heart transplants.
“We have the facilities and expertise required to save them yet we are helpless because we don’t have organ donors,” said IJN consultant cardiothoracic surgeon Dr Abdul Rais Sanusi.
“There were many cases whereby the deceased had requested for his organs to be donated but in the end, the family did not allow it,” he said.
Sad indeed...Everything in life happens for a reason and we should not take things for granted, for all you know, today might be the last day.

Whatever God gives you, he has a reason for it. All you can do is to fully utilise it and make the best out of it.

Being optimistic is also important in trying to shape your own future. I realise that I should start practicing whatever I just wrote.:)
 

Happy cat!

:):);) what basically signifies one who is totally disturbed by mood swings? Hmm yest i was so emo and today i was extremely happy...




" Associated disorders

Mood swings are commonly associated with Stavros mood disorders, of which the classic examples are PMS in women,[citation needed] bipolar disorder (manic depression)[1], anddepression. Another major factor in mood swings can be hyperactivity or hyperactivity/inattentiveness as is sometimes seen in ADHD and Asperger syndrome. More commonly mood swings can be a result of dealing with daily life.
Other causes of mood swings are due to hormonal changes that can temporarily upset brain chemistry. As the hormones involved normalize, these mood swings generally subside on their own."
SOURCE

:D

Anyway, mom's against the CS idea :S So it is a NO to it ;(
Bro has been having some major issues as well, hmm

My cat is the only one who has been so happy :)

She sleeps for more than 12 hrs, then plays as she wishes, bites us back if we scold her, such a spoilt kitty of mine...But i love her to the max :)

Duvidhā

Dilemma again,,,sigh

Firstly, I'm seriously feeling like my brains is getting rotten-empty...I liked studying actually. Now, its so mundane.

Im de-motivated..................... :'(

Got really active in looking around for opp,,, and got 4 calls in a row.
But I like the current atmosphere though...

So, all in all, I'm in a dilemma......

Monday, October 11, 2010

game-time!

back home...Sad day indeed, everything I had on plan fell through :( Looks like it's gonna be an empty month indeed.

Time to play some games :) And watch some movies as well

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Decline in the bee population

Just came across this article (attached below)http://story.birminghamstar.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/b8de8e630faf3631/id/695377/cs/1/

Decline in bee population. I remember reading that Einstein once said (source unknown XD) that the bee population somewhat relates to the existence of human... When there are no bees anymore, it means we are near the end of the human race :D 2012 perhaps?


New culprits in North American bee death crisis Birmingham Star
Saturday 9th October, 2010  

A fungus-virus combo are responsible for the alarming bee deaths across North America that have killed off billions of bees and thousands of colonies, which may have a potentially devastating impact on the environment.
Scientists believe they may have found the cause of the massive decline in bee populations in North America and other parts of the rest of the world, but are nowhere nearer finding a way to stop the alarming pattern.

Among bee experts of the world the condition, known as colony collapse disorder (CCD), has elicited significant alarm due to its extent. In North America alone, bee populations are believed to have decreased by as much as 40%.

Bees are responsible for pollination, which provides critical support to a third of the foods we eat in the food chain.

In an essay published by Public Library of Science’s “PLoS One”, a group of Army scientists in Maryland and bee experts in Montana, have found that an insect virus and a fungus may be jointly responsible.

Led by research professor Jerry Bromenshenk from the University of Montana, the group, which includes scientists from U.S. Army Edgewood Chemical Biological Center and the Instituto de Ecologica AC in Mexico, have evidence that suggests a moth virus called insect iridescent virus (IIV) 6 and a fungal parasite called Nosema may be causing the deaths.

However, their evidence suggests a ‘chicken and the egg’ scenario. Although CCD is associated with the two pathogens, their research does not show whether the pathogens caused the CCD or whether bee hives already suffering from CCD are more susceptible to the virus and fungus combo.

“We still have a great deal of research to do to resolve why bees are dying in the U.S. and elsewhere,” said Jeff Pettis of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Invisibility

Ditched the plan to go to MCTF....Instead spent that time on applications online...Hopefully anyone of it would hit the right spot ;D
Bored but at the same time lazy to go out.Was planning for some shopping, but then I guess my already big butt is so heavy for me to lift off XD And considering that I've made plans with Fio for a shopping trip + b'day celeb for Winnie, might as well do it then. No one makes a better shopping mate than Fio-the two die hard shopaholics :) Reminds me of uni days when we would go off to Jusco and Wangsa walk during long breaks :D
Miss that and all the nights we spent online throwing documents from my side to her side, to and fro, copy editing them...Or the times when we were both going frantic over our thesis (not to miss the "adjustments" we had to do for the results)...The afternoons before exams, where the three of us would be revising like crazy idiots and writing some special "notes"...

Now that Hapit is also no longer in RM, it's just me alone... Somehow feels like I have drifted away completely from the uni scene. Completely alone now. The only time I feel like someone really knows me is when I'm online with Fio or Winnie, and we just go on ranting on how life sucks XD

Somehow everything seems to be drifting away and I'm now in a new environment with a different atmosphere. Not a bad thing but i need time to blend in. Few months back I used to be in large groups, with loads of noise, flexible hours, weird lunch hours, and now its all like a schedule. I used to be so confident, always willing to be the one to go up and debate/talk, also the one who attempts to answer things (with Fiona), so that the class is not dragged on. Now, I feel so intimidated, inexperienced,young, and so much more among the rest. I would love to speak my mind, but I'm afraid it would make me look stupid or ....
I know I've got to overcome that......I'm stuck in something that doesn't allow me to think, be creative or to develop ideas...I'm just there to execute the already existing set of process...The same old process minute by minute. I'm confined within the three walls of my cubicle :'(, in an isolated island, with a PC and phone.
9-6 i sit there, staring at myself, looking around, then staring back at the computer, only to realise I'm getting rusted on the head...I want to do something, something that requires me to think or to be a little creative.
Maybe I'm asking for too much, without considering that all jobs out there are similar in nature. Perhaps its my weird character that's the main problem. Few months back I came across this term LLI. It somewhat explains my character so well. But I doubt its diagnosable. Not that I wanna be checked for it either. But then at least I know LLI is something that describes people like me and I can try to find solutions in helping myself.

Will post some info on LLI XD.The only thing that makes me so brave to write this all here is knowing that no one reads it... Maybe strangers for god knows where might be reading whatever crap i post, but at least I'm a stranger here. An invisible stranger in the online world :D

Friday, October 8, 2010

Think out of the BOX? Or maybe your BOOK?

It was a crappy week. Imagine being micromanaged, ARGHHHHHHH


Having the same old lecture everyday. if its a person whom I can speak against at least I can bother saying something, but this is a person who is egocentric!  He's not gonna listen to what I say. Imagine he told me to think out of the box!!!  I feel like shouting out I am not freaking STUPID!!!  I am wayyyyyyy smarter than what you think and it is you who is stuck within the lines of your textbooks!!  Well I know things better than you and the only reason I choose to sit and listen and remain silent is because I respect your position, age and what not.


But then again he told me something that might be true though.  I don't really believe in what I am selling, so obviously the main problem is that.  So I guess it's time for me to try to start believing in it or either move off to something I would believe in.  Guess that's why I've been doing almost nothing for the past week apart from brushing up my CV.  Time to start hunting for better luck I guess.


It's annoying when I'm treated like a freaking KID!  I know my stuff and maybe he should be the one telling me the answers to the questions he asks, if there are any answers to them.  It makes me wonder is he asking it because he himself is not sure of what the answers are???  Ah, whatever. I might be young, but I'm not naive or stupid.  Maybe I should get that clear next week.  I guess he's afraid that the team seems to be getting smaller, and I would not be surprised if soon, it's left with only one person.  That one person is another PAIN but at least you can just laugh it off.


Maybe they should start asking themselves if they even value this team?  It seems somewhat its a team they regard as the lowest in the pyramid cause they think its such an easy thing.  Well  yeah,then they should try figuring out why it has the highest turnover rate of all! If they themselves look low upon it,don't expect us to be motivated!  I just saw someone who has been there for 3 freaking years with the same basic??  And same position??  Now I am wondering if I have any sort of opportunity to grow from where i am now over here.


Time to think a lot, perhaps time to figure out some answers and reasons.  I like it all but what I am doing perhaps.  Or maybe its just that I don't see a way of getting out of this in the near future if I keep remaining in this.  They don't look like people who would appreciate others as well anyway.


Anyway, it was a quiet week, slightly annoying one as well.  But I'm just not bothered anymore.  I shall quote his favourite line "WHATEVER!' ;D


However,to save the week, I had a nice friday night.  It was nice having get to see new things :)
New experience and nice people as well.  At least I had fun though it was cut short early for me,thanks for having to depend on the train to get home.  Talking of which I was made to reminisce my "puppy love"... Lolx...Another reason as to why I sometimes feel so self-conscious about myself.   The 'puppy' made me feel so unworthy and not good enough... But then I am gonna start LOVING MYSELF!   However I look, it doesn't matter, coz all that matters is that I am confident of my own self-image.


Wanna have a quiet saturday and go for a lucky sunday trying to find luck in the fair.


Adios!

Monday, October 4, 2010

365 Days of Adventure

2010 ought to be the most adventurous year for me...Started off good with a wonderful final sem, rocking finals and had a blast for the first 4 months....Still remember a few lecturers, who I would say taught me a lot of life lessons! And sadly life is about meeting wonderful beings only to part away.


5th month onwards started working....Was LOST, is LOST and is still LOST as to where am I headed to career-wise...Been a drama-queen and hmm then decided to go with the flow. I feel like I'm at the wrong phase of life at the wrong time. At 21, I feel I should be having fun, going crazy and so much more, and yet, here I am-a Bioscience graduate who has no idea what to do in life!


Starting to live life. Spending more time out than ever. Kind of miss the quiet days and quiet weekends where I have nothing to do but amuse myself. I do still feel empty and lonely, but then all the meet ups with friends gets me all busy. Been going out a lot lately. Spending almost every night out with my colleagues, just hanging around.


Did the craziest thing ever by spending my whole night from 10pm upto 8am in the streets of Bukit Bintang. Was there to accompany my friends to que up for hours to get some concert tickets :D.  I know its crazy considering I dont even know which Korean band is it, but just getting to sit out by the roads of KL in the middle of the night, staring at the somewhat awesome surrounding together with my friends was amazing. My body is tired though :D
Days of sleep deprivation is making me even more lost and lazier by the day. I end up feeling so ........ at work...


Also realised that I've been up to no good :) Been sitting and dreaming away most of the time whilst drawing crappy stuffs.


Had a go at SHISHA today :) Well it has to be a good memory with 3 other sweethearts of mine...Ended up laughing at each other for being such a loser at inhaling shisha.


Well, 3 more months, and its a new year! Im looking far ahead, but yeah, looking forward to growing older :)
I wonder where would I be this time, this date, next year? 4 going 5 at work. An achievement for a person like me.


With my eyes struggling to remain open, I guess its time to hit the sacks... Ciaozzz

Friday, October 1, 2010

Time to start living a life

Its weekends again!!! Got plans but not sure which to go for though, hmmm...though i really wish i could have a quiet weekend :(

Pretty tired, after all the late nighs out almost everyday during the weekdays...Been going out with C n F all week, or more of 2 weeks :D Loitering the town...Tiring but nice, coz at least i get to spend more time with people...Tell me about socializing, i really need it. Now that I'm working, life's a little different as I don't meet my besties everyday. Gotta start getting more friends at work. Life's getting lonelier, quieter and a little bit too bored. It's nice to have all the space and time to yourself, but that's the only thing you have, it gets kind of boring.

Reminds me, few weeks back, 2 colleagues mine convinced me to try out this matching portal, which I did- only to delete it 2 days later...Found it weird + hmm don't wanna be too desperate...Would rather let it happen naturally... When the time is right, or it's meant to be, it will happen.

Spending my time out almost every other day has drained out all the energy off me, arghhh. But then sitting and chatting about life, and stuffs makes me "lighter", in a sense that at least I get to express it to someone. Amazingly, they know me pretty well and can judge the type of person I would go for :D Interesting chats- horoscope, life, education, tarrot cards, work, pasts, presents, futures, hahaha.. Wish I was good at driving car, can stay up late at least.

Been also spending most of my time chatting with Fio over msn for the past two weeks...We spent 4 years seeing each other everyday, and now we are like spending all our time chatting online everyday,lolx. More of ranting actually :D How we both wish life was different...How much fun would it be to work together.Hmmm miss the good ol' days!

Been also spending too much money. Need to do some financial planning.

This week was also a sad one, since H left. It means I'm alone again, but somehow I've become closer to the rest here, so its not all lonely.

Also was chatting to fio on the date today...signifies the start of my 5th month with RM. Interesting, never thought it will get this far.

Would wanna write more, but my eyes would not stay open. Off to bed and I shall udate more